Angry Young Man

I am a naturally angry man. I do things the way I want. The anger never comes out. That is my USP.

My anger remains inside me and is manipulated the way I want it. I can either convert it into vengeance and shower it upon my arch rival or just let it evaporate. I can convert it into something productive by competing with the people I am angry at. More importantly for me, I can remain angry deep within but still put up a smiling face. I am diplomatic, I guess.

But, for you my sweet friend, I display my anger and so does my love. I don't hide my emotions because I want you to understand me. I know that how much ever we fight, we will remain thick friends. I know that you will want my presence in your life for eternity. And I know I will be there for you too. I am sorry for hurting you. But it will happen till friendship dies. And since it will never end, I guess you will have to tolerate me. And this ,my friend, is my new year gift for you. Thank you for being my friend.

An Apology

I am insensitive my friend, I am. I had always wanted myself that way. I molded myself for your sake and for my sake. I can't waste a life on broken dreams.I can't see a future where I spend time for people lost, love lost and for all the times I got hurt.

I want to see a life beyond mediocrity, which we planned together-a life where our dreams take wings and fly so far that we get lost in the euphoria. I want to weave it in such a way as to fulfill every wish of yours. And without you being around? I want to be everything you wanted me to be. Huh, what a useless life? What a senseless ambition?

I want to be everything you wanted me to be. I am still yours, without wanting you. I try to show I am selfish, that I live for myself and for none. I convince myself that I left you for my convenience. I live in a life of lies. My happiness is itself a farce. It is nothing but a mask to hide my inner self. There's a lot missing there. But let it be that way. Because I rejoice in a comfortable ecstasy there. I enjoy the feeling of believing that I can't get hurt. That I can control my heart.

And so my friend, I apologize for being insensitive. I apologize for the inconvenience I created. I hope you can forgive me one day.

Confessions of a Confused Soul

Software engineering life taught me that sundays are for fun, movies and friends. As I sit in my lab after finishing off my part of the marketing assignment waiting for others to get together to integrate the stuff, I lament that I missed a chance to be on a movie with my friends. But then, when I sit and think, I find that I am no longer with them. I have to grow and try to be with myself, find time for my career, grow and mature. There is no time to think about things you miss, people who left, friends who don't have time, home which you rarely visit. Umpteen other issues which play on your mind and tell you that you are the person with the most troublesome life on earth.

But then, if I sit down and think for a while, why should I lament? Am I the most pathetic soul on earth? There is only one answer- a definite 'no'. Aren't there people around who don't have the most frugal of meals. What about the beggars who sleep on the streets in the cold night, what about the stray animals which beg for food and get beaten up badly because a sick person wants to show his superiority. Aren't there lakhs of orphans who want someone to show them a whiff of love, while my dad and mom call me up every day. How can I call myself unfortunate when there are a million handicapped folks around the world who may not have a healthy body , but may spread warmth with the healthy mind.

Why should I worry about trivial matters, when there are people around me who remain happy even with the gravest of tragedies in their life? They do so because they chose their life to be the way they want it. There is no life without issues and there are no issues in life without a solution. There is always a choice of accepting that there is a problem and worrying over it ,or ignoring the issue. The choices we make may not be simple, but they help us be ourselves. I can redefine my life by saying there is no issue or by solving it. I emerge stronger when I do either of these. But when you retrospect over you miseries, you lose out.

So , my friend let us think about a bright tomorrow. Let us not fear unknown fears. Let us go to places unexplored. Let the mind be free to think about the world and its beautiful people than you and your issues. Expand th window of your perception and change your tomorrow. Because, as the poet said, there are miles to go before I sleep.

Where are you?

A particular friend of mine tried to teach me her way of friendship. She was a dreamer(I hope she still is), a lot more than I was, am or ever would be. Nutty or not(she's the only one who supports this side), she had a different views about how things are. If a few of my Infosys friends remember, the most famous one was that you could also serve in shuttle badminton by throwing it up in the air. There were many a discussions running into hours and turning really nasty. The temper getting lost and the foul smell of fights permeating. We disagreed, among many others ,particularly on one topic, of how people should treat their friends. I always was the more expressive one trying to keep in touch ,reassure my love and my support. She, on the other hand, believed it should all be in the heart and needn't be expressed. With other sweet people around we thrived more on our friendship than on our differences and had a great time together. As all friendships lose their strength with a separation ours too did, a rather expressive one, contrary to what she believed. I still remember the sadness on her face when we saw her off at Bangalore on our way to Chennai(should I mention that you cried?).

Life moves on, we find new friends and survive but the friendship still remains. We kept in touch and continued our fights over phone. And then came the day every girl would be looking forward. She found her hero and moved with him out of the country. New life, new people, new place. It has been months since I heard from her. There would always be new reasons to keep yourself busy. But there is no reason for not being in touch. Your friend misses you. Where are you?

A Foot Note:My dear friend, if you ever read this. There are no excuses for not telling me your number or where you are.

The Silver Steed Returns

He was with the prince all the time, the faithful one who accompanies him for all ventures.Good or bad, evil or divine, he stood up by his master faithfully. He never once failed to take him to the destination, he never ever gave up and he always raised the level. Then came a day when the master had to leave and travel far to seek his destiny. He lay in the stables unattended. But after sometime the call comes. He flees the stables to rejoin his master. Master travels to another pompous city, the faithful servant accompanies. He plays a wonderful role in the master's life by accompanying him far and wide. Master goes back home for a short break and leaves his ride there. He comes back to the city to the world of knowledge. He misses his steed again and again. Finally he decides to bring him back with him, be what ever the cost. And now the faithful servant is back in duty. The old faithful servant roars in the city. He's back with his master for the neverending adventures. The journey of the "Silver Steed"continues...

Read as: My bike is back in Chennai

Land,At Last!!!

The traveller enjoys every bit of his journey, fights the storm, makes friends with the dolphins, evades the sharks. He anchors his ship at different ports, meets new people, enjoy the experience, learns new things. Richer with the knowledge , he moves on. Fights new storms, evades the tricky ice-bergs, escapes the pirates and his "Destiny" ship moves on. He meets more people does the same things and adds on to his knowledge.

Down the line he misses something. There is a pain in the heart that he doesn't have something that he wants. He thinks and ponders. He probes all the events that happened. But his questions are unanswered. And then he reaches the port which aroused memories that were hidden deep in his mind. It erased all the questions in mind. He gets out and moves along the crowd , sees the old market, the shops and the people and recognise the fact- "this is the place I started from. This is what I was seeking. This is where I want to be back. I am free, calm and rejuvenished. Now I have the energy that I lost somewhere along the trip. This is the land I seeked".

With the energy that he regained from the homeland he moves on ,replenished and rejuvenished, to new and more challenging quests of knowledge. He continues his journey-the constant traveller, the nomad.

I am going home.....

Hurray!!!

I remember you all!!!

As the flavor of the first exams at IITM is felt, I have started enjoying thoroughly this new way of life.This is a place where i always wanted to be-the trees, the animals, the smiling faces, sincere friends and what not.

Life is a journey where you learn new things from new people, remember the good times you had with people you met at different turns. It makes you think about those who have made a difference in your life. Then you start missing them. But there is no pain in the heart. Just the feeling of numbness created by the void. A vacuum where where all you cries are lost and only the numbness remains. This makes you realise how love never leaves with the loved ones. They just stay in the tiny corner of your memory where days, events and the things they have left with you rejuvenates the moments you had with them. Those were beautiful small moments which you never thought will be important in your life when you experienced them, but they play such an important part in reminding you how dear the friend was.

There are promises that you would never be forgotten, but life always dilutes the emotions. You get so involved with people and activities around you that you forget there was this beautiful friend somewhere down the memory lane whom you used to be with all the time, talk about silly things, fight over small arguements ,make up so fast that you forgot you fought and laugh your stomachs over stupid jokes. The very same people say they are too busy to keep in touch. I am so sorry to admit I am one of them. But then that's how life is. You move on. You find new people, new friends, new partners. But one thing everyone would have in common is the way you cherish the memory of people who were with you, who stood by you and gave you all they can.

There's this beautiful lines from one of the best movies ever made, Shawshank Redemption, which goes like "I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend." Yes my friend, I do miss you. I know it'd have been a lot better for me if you were around. But I also understand how happy you are with your life away from me.

I understand there are things that you want in life, but you'll never get. There are people who come and go, and you can never demand them to be with you. To assimilate this you need great wisdom. The wisdom of a saint who is devoid of any worldly needs.

I bow to your friendship and to the good times we had ,my dear friend. I remember you.

I lived the day

There were days when you sat down and pondered on the worthiness of your existence. There were days when you met hapless souls with lesser or no means of existence and you ignored them completely. There were days indeed when you really wanted to help them but you felt so helpless and so useless. I remember the picture of a wealthy man's kid with a candy in hand walking through a street full of urchins who had little means to protect them. I always used to be that kid with the candy, who never cared to find out how to help.

Then there came this day, this function, where there were a bunch of ebullient blind girls who conquered the audience with their bhajans. I had to tell my friend who sang a bit earlier, "you lost your limelight to the energy and spirit of those girls". Her nod gave the answer. At their lunch I was encouraging these girls to finish off their meals. There was one particular girl who asked me in her refined english where I was from. When she got her answer she said "Kerala is a beautiful place,sir", and she went on to finish off her friend's ice-cream. That was the simplest way to put a smile on someone's face. Most people wouldn't know that. But she knew. Therein lies her greatness. And then there was the ceremonial farewell, where my friend told me we'd get a 'bye' in a chorus. And we did get it.

This was the moment of immense gratification. I rediscovered freedom on the 61st independence day. The sense of fulfilment is beyond words.I lived the day where I found joy.

I do see

I cannot see the rain
Nor the birds on the tree
I cannot see a smile
Nor the beauty of your face
But I can smell the freshness of the rain
And hear the songs of the birds
I sense the joy in your smile
And I cherish the glow of your face
I do see you and your beauty
Through your love for me.